It is all about
boundaries...
We get used to situations where we automatically set boundaries in our lives. We don't even think about them, and neither do the people we interact with on a regular basis. The challenge comes as we change and grow and as our priorities change and grow.
A classical example is when we are given new responsibilities in our job or our private life. A new project - or a new partner, maybe even a child - changes what is important in our lives, and suddenly there are people, things and situations where we find that we have to say no, to draw the line, to show a barrier.
Have you ever had to do that - and found that the other person became offended or even angry? We expect consistency from the people around us. Most of us can deal with a difficult boss or a difficult employee, as long as they are consistently difficult. Even easier - we can deal with people who are friendly, helpful and always say yes. But when their boundaries have been crossed and they suddenly say no - that is a different situation.
How we react when we come up against another person's boundaries says more about ourselves than about them. It doesn't really matter how silly or how extreme we think the boundary is, we have to respect that this is the place the person is at right now. We rarely know the full story. We certainly don't know what has brought them to this place. Some of the boundaries are easier to understand than others, like a new father or mother who no longer wants to work really late at the office, because they have a responsibility to their baby. Others are more difficult. A helpful person that suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, refuses to help a co-worker with a project. But there is inevitably a reason.
Helpful people can be people who struggle with setting boundaries. By being helpful, maybe time is taken away from other things, and stress builds up. As more and more help is given and others start to expect it, the requests may even become more perfunct - help is taken for granted. With time, stress and resentment may set in. That is why, saying no - setting boundaries - is so important. And why, when someone sets a boundary to us, we do well by recognising it for what it is, and that is all about the other person - and not about us. It is your responsibility to say no. In modern society it is rare to be truly forced into doing something you don't want to. Saying no when it is appropriate to your life is being kind to yourself.
So - ask yourself - are you a helpful person? If yes - what ARE your boundaries - and are they where they should be?
Comments
- #1
Katrine 15-01-2011 15:05 What can be really difficult at times is to change the pattern, to really look deep inside yourself and feel what does you good and what does you bad. Eventhough you acknowledge the need of setting boundaries, it can be easiere said than done.
1I am an entrepreneur and one of the hardest things for me to do is to actually charge for my worth, the service that I offer. Instead I tend to enroll myself into one project after the other, spending my time helping and supporting others free of charge and in the end that does not pay my bills. I somehow tend to think that:
1) people won't pay for my service
2) I am not worth the charge
So internal conflict and know I need to find the balance, as I am a big believer in giving and in that it will be returned to me.
Thanks for a thoughtful post :-)