Dear diary
i am so nervous about tomorrow, because i am going to my first driving test, when i think about how nervous i am right now, how the anxiety is eating me from the inside eating my whole body like and wild animal, which nobody can control then i don't want to know how i will feel tomorrow. My thoughts circles around my head  can't get a hold on them, there are just too many thoughts. I can barely stay in my own body because of all the bad feelings about tomorrow.
I hope i can get some sleep tonight, the worst thing that could happen is differently if i don't get any sleep, this is just not an option, i won't lidt myself walk around like a stupid  zombie tomorrow, that can't see or feel a thing. maybe i just need to take a deep breath and relax for a second, everything will be fine, just breathe and feel the cold wind on my skin, in the darkest night, see how the white moon smiles to me, a smile with a thousand teeth.  
Relax if i stay calm, then i will get thug tomorrow. i have been to a lot of exams, and not one of them have killed me, at least not yet.
The hungry anxiety has not been so bad that i couldn't  get to sleep, but i have to admit that it have costed some problems for me, to fall into sleeps loving arms. When i was in my bed, in the cold night and shadows was dancing all around me, when i was staring into the pure black, and sleep didn't came because of  too many thoughts in my little head,my thoughts can be like a river, wild and unstoppable, take everything with it bræking trees and destroy houses it destroy me in the process.
And i can't forget the voices, those who always are coming in the dark, thoughts and voices are not a god thing to mix, It's my nuisance, always tormenting me to the bræking point. It can get so bad that i can't be in my own body, it can and will drive me insane, and the worst thing are that i have no places to go, nowhere to hide or run, because you can't run from you own shadow, i can't hide from myself, one thing i can do is try to ignore them.
 
sometimes  i imagine a pot, when the voices get to annoying i just put a let on the pot, sometimes is not enough, at times the voices in my head  are so violent that is not working, the whole thing are boiling over, and then i'm lying  there taking it because i don't know that to do, I'm lying there until i get exhausted, and sleep finally comes for me.
I still remember my theory test, i was so nervous i nearly threw up, i promise i could feel my breakfast almost coming up again to say hello, and i clearly remember my heart definitely was  grown double size of normal. My heart was racing and had placed itself inside  my throat, it almost choked me, but everything went fine, no need to worry, i passed, i didn't realize at first, it took me some time to understand that i had made it.
And if i fail tomorrow, then i just go up again, is not the end of the world,     
 
Im beginning to feel a little better again, if you compare to last week, last week was hell for me, i felt so miserable, i was so sad, but now things are getting better, sometimes my mood swings, it can swing many times a day, It's a little confusing. To be happy and then all of a sudden, be sad for no reason, it just wired. There was nothing last week that did make sense, it was like nothing mattered, but now things are getting better, i haft to say last week my mind was black as the night, my mind are just that way sometimes, cold, black, and when my mood are that way, i write my poems.
When am down i write, my poems are dark, so it goes hand in hand, my poems are about me, often i try to describe how i feel when i'm feeling sad, and i did write a couple new ones.
So the first thing i do tomorrow, is taking a driving lesson, and after i'm going up 9.00 am wish me luck.
 
  Anonymous is my name 8 May 2016